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Literature by DragonsChest

Writing by Ashbrie13


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Submitted on
November 18, 2013
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Can I see your face like clearer skies on sunny days?
Can I hear your words like those blowing tender winds?
Can I hear your whispers like the crisper leaves on Autumn months?
Can I feel your skin as soft as smoother grass?
Can I feel your tears like a rainy day?

Can I see your face again to wipe away those pouring tears?
Can I hear your cries, so I can sever all the lies?
Can I hear your screams, so I can fix them in our dreams?
Can I feel your wrath, so I can change my path?
Can I feel your pain, so I can rid of me this bane?

Can I tell you all my guilt? 
Can I tell you all the nightmares that persisted from my guilt?
Can I tell you all the sorrow that I feel, as I watch you breaking down from all the quarrels that we had?
Can I touch you once again, so I can feel the strength that gives me all the power that I need?
Can I touch you once again, that I can break away the chains that hold the truer man inside me?

Can I ask you once again for your forgiveness?
Can I have another chance to say, "I'm sorry?"
Can I have another chance to be a better man?
Can I say to you, "I love you?"
Can I?
Can I love you once again?
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:iconrandomphilosopher:
This poem has the force that it needs to carry its point; nice job. The repeated questions and the symbolism help bring the reader to sympathize with the speaker, in hopes that once more, the speaker can have a chance to love this other. There are just a couple things that I see that could distract the reader from this sentiment:
1, Occasionally the rhythm breaks with its form. Twice I think this adds to the poem, the first time in the last line of the first stanza where the shorter line brings the reader to reflect more on the poem. A similar thing happens in the last line of the third stanza, "Can I touch you once again, that I can break away the chains that hold the truer man inside me?" I expected it to be "inside of me," but the sudden switch to the ending with two stressed syllables caught me off guard and made me think. The part that I found hard was the third line of stanza three, "Can I tell you all the sorrow that I feel, as I watch you breaking down from all the quarrels that we had?"
2, Just a finicky thing, I found "of me this bane" to be a distracting word order, and I would switch it to"me of." But that is a poetic choice, and totally up to you, as are of course any changes you choose to make.

Beautiful poem; I can hear the hope shining through cracks in these words and I find myself hoping, too.
What do you think?
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconrandomphilosopher:
randomphilosopher Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2013   General Artist
I forgot to mention in the critique that I sent you that I am a critiquer for The Poetical Condition.
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:icondeviouskid45:
DeviousKid45 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconsymmetry98:
Symmetry98 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
So beautiful! :iconcraiplz:
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:icondeviouskid45:
DeviousKid45 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconsymmetry98:
Symmetry98 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome! :hug:
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:iconashbrie13:
Ashbrie13 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013  Student General Artist
beautiful :heart: 
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:icondeviouskid45:
DeviousKid45 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks
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