literature

Mercy Plea

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DeviousKid45's avatar
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Literature Text

Once more,
    I rose
    from ashes
    from bones

Once more,
    I wept
    as hollow screams
    followed me from doors

Once more,
    I ran
    from guilt
    as swift as wind

Once more,
    I slept
    as dreams come
    and nightmares haunted

Once more,
    I lied
    saving those
    lonely friends from hurt

Once more,
    I failed
    to save
    a life I only cherished

Once more,
    I tried
    to reach them
    to make amends of past deeds

But once more,
    I failed
    from time and time
    and ceased to fail

And once more,
    I wondered
    how and why
    am I still alive?

Once more,
    I struggled
    to understand
    that simple question

Once more,
    I turned
    to the sky
    and looked at the heavens

Once more,
    I plead
    and asked
    for mercy from God

Once more,
    I felt
    the answer
    and it whispered, "No"

Once more,
    I saw
    the roses
    so red and pure

Once more,
    I saw
    the sun
    shone it's light at it

And once forevermore,
    I laid
    in a coffin
    of ashes and bones.
Inspired from the soundtrack of Halo 3: ODST of the same name and the Henceforward AU of RWBY.
Mercy Plea © Martin O'Donnel and Michael Salvatori
RWBY © Rooster Teeth
© 2014 - 2024 DeviousKid45
Comments12
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LadyBethsheba's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

Hello, there- this is a critique from <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w…" alt=":iconwriters--club:" title="Writers--club" />

I'm not very familiar with the Halo universe (I only got through an hour of ODST before accepting my complete uselessness with those kinds of games), so I'll be critiquing this on its own. That shouldn't be a problem, though, because this piece works well as a stand-alone poem.

The greatest strength of the poem is how one form of repetition reinforces another. The repeated use of “once more” serves both as a kind of chorus for the poem, giving it a more solid kind of beat than many other free verse pieces, and as a foreshadowing of the ending, where the dark cycle that has caught the main character is revealed. It adds to the sense of hopelessness and inevitability that grows throughout the piece. It's a simple but effective device.

I also like your use of punctuation. In many (or most) of the poems that I critique, incorrect or inconsistent use of punctuation is a major issue, but you pick a punctuation style and stick with it for the entire piece, using punctuation only when necessary.

There are a couple of issues with grammar in this piece. For example, in the second-last stanza, “it's” should be “its” (a possessive instead of a contraction). In stanza seven, you use the phrase “make amends of”, where “make amends for” would be more appropriate. In stanza four, “dreams come” should be “dreams came”, as the rest of the stanza is written in the past tense.

In summary, this is a well-constructed poem that is effective in conveying the emotions of the main character. It can be enjoyed on its own, without the reader knowing anything about Halo. Good job!